The Explosion of 2005!!!

Don't worry I am not planning on trying out any pyrotechnics, although don't rule that out forever. It is just not in my immediate plans. My dad sells fireworks for fun, some of that sick fascination with fire and explosions is bound passed down through the warped gene pool that is my own.

Anyway moving on to the wrap up of one year in the life of Tiffany.

Favorite Movie: Walk the Line

Top 3 Albums:
#1 Cold Roses ~ Ryan Adams...music for any mood
#2 Gimme Fiction ~ Spoon....funky, eclectic, really fun
#3 Hot fuss ~ The Killers....good for when I am angry

# of times I have thanked the Lord for Sarah's gift of discernment and classic "can I make an observation" question: Countless. Crying in public has never been so fun or relieving.

# of jobs: 3

# of dates: 1, the fewest number since I started dating. I'm not down about it though. I got asked out by a fair share of Kansas City's finest men. One guy had just broken off an engagement a couple weeks before and thought asking me to mountain bike/run/roller blade (obviously not a familiar with me) with him 2 minutes after we met was a good idea. (Note to anyone wanting to ask someone out, wait at least 3 minutes after meeting someone to do it. You may find something that is a little harder to say no to than rollerblading.) He didn't understand "no" so he emailed my friend for the next week trying to find out my address. (Classy) Sorry dude my friends don't give my address out to strangers.

# of conversations with a four year old about pin worms, bladder infections, and "sprints ugly overages": 1

# of weddings attended: 14

# of Chocolate Diet Cokes from Sonic ingested: at least 1,000 (stop cringing, it is the most delicious thing ever)

# of haircuts:3

# of crushes: 4 (Don't even think about asking.)

# of times my mom told me I buy my clothes to big: about 5 ("Those pants are way to big Tiff" "Mom they are a medium, I wear an 8...8's don't wear smalls, I am fine with it") At least she didn't grab the crotch of my pants like she did when I was little to see if she could pull them down.

# of times I watched the Lizzie McGuire Movie: 3 (not by choice)

# of incidents that involve my sister trying to lunge at me and punch my face in: 1 (note the word trying...my mom held her back. My walking away in the middle of fights really pisses her off. I am a lover not a fighter, scratch that, I am a debater not a scream at the top of your lungs until your voice box explodes type of girl. Be warned I debate with the best of them, it is a shame I did forensics.)

# of times eharmony has been recommended as a dating solution for me: 2...not gonna happen.

Amount of money spent at Starbucks: my estimation is around $400. I have cut back as of late.
It is an addiction, don't give me a lecture, I know.

# of accidents/tickets: 1, down from 2004 by 3...ahh brakes, it's good to finally know how to work you.

Favorite things/addictions of 2005:
Sweet tea from Arby's...I may as well be from the south
fuzzy socks from Target...I can't stop buying them
oil burners...if you haven't heard me talk about these you don't talk to me often
New York City...both times
bangs
long necklaces
Bright Green coming back in style
Ralph Lauren Turquoise...it is in competition with RL Romance, which I have worn since it came out my junior year in high school. Smell it, enjoy.
Vests
wife beaters (the shirt obviously not the sob's that hit their wives. Duh.)

Good bye 2005 you have been eventful. Bring it on 2006 you saucy minx.

Come out Bob Barker I know you are behind this...

There is the obvious yellow ribbon supporting our troops, and pink supporting breast cancer, but finally there is one that really expresses America's concern...the pet population.

Cover your mouth up like you got SARS....if you hang around my sister.

It was a fairly normal Christmas this year for once in my life! I am figuring a normal Christmas for me is anything but that. It was seemingly deficient in the things that usually make Christmas worthy of an annual admittance to the local mental institution. Only 2 people cried!
Here are a couple of highlights:

-I sprayed myself in the face with perfume in the middle of the mall. Right in the eyes. My eyes were red and burning for the rest of the night.

-Court tells Whit she needs to brush her teeth because her breath stinks. (She is rude about it, because it isn't in Court's nature to be discrete.) How does she know if Whit's been brushing her teeth? She regularly feels her toothbrush to see if it is wet. After that stunning peek into the world of caring way to much about others hygiene I state:
"You lack a filter."

To which she replies:

"I am tired, NOT LACK OF FILTER.... What is lack of filter?"


-Home video that I wish I could get on the internet because it is begging to be seen by more than my immediate family.

It is footage of our first trip to the ocean when I was in 5th grade. Every one of my family members is perfectly embodied in their actions in the 3 minutes of tape.

It begins with Whitney, who was 4 at the time, walking on all fours (not crawling, on her hands and feet with her butt in the air) across the beach. She then gets slammed by a wave, and is walking like a drunk up the beach. She is met by Court who saw the whole thing, dabs Whit's face and then snatches the towel away so Whitney won't take it. Whit then gets on all fours and begins pecking at the ground... don't know why, and then lays down. Courtney keeps going about two feet away from the water and them screaming like water is a foreign substance brought here by martians in order to wipe out the human race FOREVER!!! My mom (who will not go under water because to her getting your hair wet is similar to getting your skinned gnawed off by a flesh eating bacteria) gets knocked over by a kid on a boogie board and falls over, once she regains her balance and stands again she gets knocked over by a wave. My dad is standing about knee deep in water throwing rocks into the ocean, another puzzler. Whitney finds 2 kids who want to be like her and she leads them back across the beach on all fours. She then goes and picks up sand and throws it at what I am guessing was her attempt to get it into water, but she stands so far away she is throwing it on her band of followers. And you never see me because apparently I was safely wading at neck deep, or attempting to catch non-existent waves.

It lacked the usual "I got locked in a dungeon when I was 3 months old and this is my first time seeing sunlight" drama, but was still a hysterically weird, quirky, and wonderful weekend at home. If you want a funnier Christmas story read Sarah's post. She has the only father that gives my dad a run for the weirdest dad stories ever award.

A lesson in the art of present wrapping.

"He said he is giving me an unwrappable present"

"What does that mean?"

"It means he can't wrap it."

"He better not give you a hug."

The one with all the quirks...

The following are a list of quirks that one is bound to run into if any time with me is spent.

1. I shower irregularly. It is disgusting and is in direct conflict with the next thing on my list.

2. I hate smelling bad. I have hypersensitive senses and I can smell things from a mile away. It is a rare day when I am not wearing perfume of some sort. I carry perfume in my purse just in case. My car even has its own scent. Febreeze is the love of my life.

3. I always drink with a straw. Always.

4. If I am making a point at some point in the discussion I will be scrunching my hair and sucking in my cheeks. When I feel like I have just put the exclamation on a point, which is obviously right, and there is a cup around I apparently make some sort of face and then take a drink, out of my straw of coarse.

5. I talk in weird accents and voices.

6. I don't like sleeping with other people in my bed. Pillows. Pillows are what I like in my bed.

7. I hate fish. They freak me out. Went snorkeling in about 2 feet of water in the Bahamas and absolutely lost it because tiny angel fish were swarming around my head. Eww.. I feel like they're on me right now.

8. I am anal retentive about my teeth. That is kind of a gross way to put that. I have a tooth picker, a tongue scraper, a tooth brush, whitening retainer. If it is put in the oral hygiene aisle I own it. I love going to the dentist.

9. I use both bar soap and body wash. Don't ask why, you don't want to know.

10. I dance. All the time. Anywhere. The kitchen, on my way to the copy machine, in the shower. I once fell out of the shower due to this bad habit. If they didn't line the doors with metal I wouldn't have ended up wet, naked, AND bloody on my parents bathroom floor. Pretty sure they thought I was shot when they heard my scream followed by the huge thud.

Feel free to add more, I am the quirkiest person alive so there are many I am leaving out.

Just an idea:
If you don't read my friend amy's blog you a. need to, and b. per her request googlism your name. It is awesome. Just to give you an idea of the joy that is before you here's what mine pulled up:

tiffany is an online multiplayer
tiffany is going to kill you
tiffany is an 8 year old korean male who
tiffany is getting real
tiffany is toll free
tiffany is in town
tiffany is" you can see how to do this same thing here
tiffany is a good talker
tiffany is an online multiplayer game about four guys trying to win the favor of a super hot chick named tiffany
tiffany is a flash
tiffany is a young adult silkie girl not for the faint hearted
tiffany is so tasty
tiffany is curious about sixty minute man's costume
tiffany is the bond that holds us all together
tiffany is simply to get her to dig you and choose you over the slew of other guys out there doing the same thing
tiffany is an online multiplayer
tiffany is an 8 year old korean male who
tiffany is going to kill you
tiffany is toll free
tiffany is a medium
tiffany is recognized internationally as a trademark for beauty and elegance
tiffany is silent no more she was ultimately the queen of pop of the '80s
tiffany is an acclaimed international speaker and has been featured at internet industry conferences
tiffany is played exclusively on
tiffany is feeling real frisky
tiffany is still on steroids to keep her brain fluid draining
tiffany is caused by an overwhelming systemic response to infection

who knew? I mean I did know I was male, Korean, a flash and a response to infection, but everything else...Wow!

It's all fun and games until somebody drowns in a pool while strapped to some sort of wheel.

My boss just told me her son thinks he is carrying his baby sister in his stomach and won't "poo" because she might fall out. Hey, at least he is protecting her.

I never found that kind of protectiveness with my sisters. I got handed a hot curling iron by Courtney who said it wasn't hot, when in fact she had plugged it in so that she could turn my hand into her own personal "let's see what happens when human skin is heated to the point of boiling" experiment. Later that year she mistook me for some sort of sparkler sword fighter and whipped me on my arm with a 3 foot sparkler that was still on fire. (As a side note that same 4th of July a June bug flew up my nose. Not my best 4th of July.) She got her fair share though my littlest sister Whitney peed in a dixie cup and told Courtney it was lemonade. It only took her one sip to realize that it was in fact not a sugary sweet drink but the waste of a toddler. Yummy. Apparently we were raised by people who thought of pain and affliciton as child's play. Who needs monopoly when Chinese water torture is an option? Obviously not the Matalone's.

Beauty of the Unknown and Unanswerable...

I had the luxury of a 4 day weekend and what did I do? I got completely depressed by reading The Hiding Place. Started it Friday, finished it Monday. For those who don't know the premise of the book it is basically a woman's (Corrie Ten Boom) journey through World War II. I was joking that I thought it was going to change my life, but in the end it is no joke at all. God has destroyed my incompassionate heart, and by default me in this woman's story. I have come to the conclusion that my brain paints very vivid pictures when I read. I think this is why anything in the genre of fantasy is so boring to me. Reality is so beautiful, thrilling, painful, gripping and a constant reminder that God works in ways that are as mystifying as they are wondrous.

Corrie Ten Boom grew up in Holland. She and her sister lived with their father in a watch shop. Ultimately Corrie became the center of "the underground" (a group that helped hide Jews all over Holland.) She was arrested put in prison, and eventually got transported to a concentration camp.

Throughout the book I constantly found myself putting myself in her place. These people took in the people that no one else would take. They were every moment risking themselves for the sake of strangers. The part that gets me is they could have avoided it all because they weren't Jewish. How many times do I choose not to help because it is easier for me? When she was in solitary confinement I was just imagining the pity party I would be throwing while she was praying. They (Corrie and her sister Betsie) thanked God for the fleas in their bunks, they held worship services for everyone. They lived with the boldness we are called to live with, and God blessed them for it. It turned out the fleas they thanked God for were the reason they never got caught during the worship services. The guards wouldn't come near their dorm because of them. They were granted an amount of privacy that was probably unheard of in concentration camps because of a disgusting bug I would have been cursing. It is one of the best pictures of good and evil in humanity I have ever seen. I was sick for a number of hours, completely disgusted with the depth of wickedness in humans. How can someone kick someone to death and feel no guilt, in fact feel good, like they are doing human kind some sort of service? I get brainwashing. I understand that it is very powerful, but you have to at some point put yourself in a position to be brainwashed. It doesn't just happen one day while your on the way to the store. How did a man so corrupt get into power and manage to coerce a nation into believing that Germans were somehow better than anyone else? How did no one stop him before millions upon millions of people died for no reason? Why does genocide keep happening? It just isn't fair. I hate it.

I will leave you with a quote from Dietrich Bonhoeffer to think about because I could rant for 10 hours about this...

"It is the nature, and the advantage of strong people that they can bring out the crucial questions and form a clear opinion about them. The weak always have to decide between alternatives that are not their own."

Either 4 Wheel Drive is AMAZING, or my Driving Skills have become much better.

I could not wait to leave work yesterday to try out my new car in the snow. Mmm it was AWESOME! After years of driving a car with questionable (zero) traction (If car Ice dancing was an Olympic sport I would have numerous gold medals) it was absolutely incredible to break on to the road with a vehicle that has 4 wheel drive. Wow, I didn't know what I was missing.

List of events for yesterday late afternoon and evening:

Push a loaded shopping cart through a snowy parking lot using all of body weight and become as parallel with the ground as possible while still having feet on ground.

Make food and eat with roommates.

Be reminded of the last date I went on when everyone who was at our house (somewhere around 10 people) piled onto the front porch and waved as my date picked me up. It was a really neat experience. Why does crap like this always happen to me?

Have roommates work colleagues over and learn about WIZARD magazine. A magazine about comic books.

Get up and go to bed when one of colleagues is threatening to say a "bad" word to get a dirty look from me. (side note: If he knew anything about me he would know a "bad" word isn't going to get a dirty look, talking about comic books some more might.)

Have a Gassy Christmas!!!

In an effort to recoup the mass quantities of readers I apparently offended for using the word "gassy" in my last post, I will use it as much as possible in the future. Sorry people death threats don't work on me. I know where I am headed if I get axed. A warning to my enemies: I am getting pretty muscle-y now and I have gained the added virtue of Unagi (If you don't watch Friends sorry you are missing out on a joke) so if you come creeping around my place in hopes of my demise watch your back you may get salmon skin rolled to death. (Another friends reference...sorry) So I guess I am not recouping anyone...sorry. If I get embarrassed it needs to be shared, that is just the way I work. Keeps me humble.

To the 3 of you still reading I am going to begin posting about my favorite Christmas memories. Why? Because if you haven't realized it yet I have a freaking hilarious family, and I keep getting flashbacks of really strange things we have done in the past for Christmas. I am hoping if I share them I can stop crying myself to sleep. The one memory in particular that keeps coming back to me is the year my dad stuck a candle in a half eaten loaf of bread and forced us to sing Happy Birthday to Jesus. I mean I guess it was Jesus' birthday. I am pretty sure Jesus was laughing. I think the part I found weirdest was that it wasn't that long ago. We're talking 6 years ago at the most. Simply Frightening.

One Christmas I put together a Christmas play loosely based on Charles Dicken's "A Christmas Carol" with my neighbor kids. If you have read this blog in the past you probably remember this post in which I revealed my high hopes of becoming a singer/actor/director/rapper...alright not a rapper. The play had three sets, I was the mom in one of the families. Everyone else was forced to listen to me in the play, and during the rigorous 3 hour practice sessions held in an unfinished, freezing basement. Basically I was the bitchy mom who everyone hated. (The kind that make you take a nap during Zoobilee Zoo when they invited you over to play with their kid that you don't even like... And the bitterness surfaces.) I think it had one viewing, and received very poor ratings. It would prove to be my last directorial and acting endeavor to this point. Let the sighs of relief begin.
Parting word:
Apparently last year my boss gave someone a Santa Claus carrying a bag that says "Happy Birthday Jesus," was leaking green goo, and for some reason had to be plugged in to someone as a white elephant gift. Her mother-in-law gave it to her for real. Why are we making it harder than it already is? It is pretty hard to say being a Christian is cool when you have crap like that on the market. I am pulling out my Fear Not shirt asap. (Consider yourself lucky if you have no clue what I am rambling about.)

O what a night. You should be like me instead of bein' like Mike.

I really thought I wasn't supposed to work out last night because I got to the gym and had mysteriously lost my card to get in. Once I made my way in I realized I didn't bring my headphones which meant 30 minutes on a machine with nothing to listen to. As is typical I was very wrong. I get on my machine and about 2 minutes in the guy next to me starts rapping under his breath. As my workout continues he keeps getting more and more audible. The rapper hand motions slowly become integrated. Then it happened. With no warning whatsoever he looks at me and begins rapping at/to me. At that point I had no clue what he was rapping about, but I definitely recognized the next song. I will spare you the lyrics because they are horrible. I will say he made a booty slapping motion more than once. It took everything in me not to laugh uncontrollably. I am going to start forgetting my headphones more often.

I found out last night that lettuce makes you gassy. Apparently your body doesn't digest it very well. Information that would have been good to know before my body rejected the huge plate of lettuce I ate. Issues ensued at the movie theater. Let's just say I am glad I was the only one in the bathroom. Those details will be spared as well. (I don't want to loose Sarah as a friend, I think announcing my bodily functions anymore than I already have on the internet would at least get me on friend suspension.) I am only further encouraged never to get salad on a date. Like I would ever do that anyway.

It's that time of year where I reflect on past journal entries.

How's that for a title. I leave very little to the imagination.

Last night I read the first entry of my journal for this year, which I haven't read since I wrote on February 19th.(Why I didn't journal for the first month and a half I don't know) I began reading thinking "oh this will be cool, I am sure stuff has changed." I had no idea. Here is the part I found most captivating.

Everything is changing. May You give me peace in yet another year of transition. May this be a year of sweet renewal and blessing. Isaiah 61 come soon! May I truly find myself falling deeper and deeper in love with You. May I find myself leaning on You naturally, by habit, not only when times get unbearable. May I see You move in ways I have never thought possible. I am delighted by You in my pain. You are my love. You are my peace. You are why I am.

Every single thing I prayed about has become more of a reality than I could have even conceived at that point in time. How easy is it to forget that God actually cares about what I am thinking, doing, seeing, anything? He cares even more than I care. He wants me to be happy, and I don't really think I've ever actually believed that. But it is true. It is so easy to focus my thoughts on all the crap going on in the world, even just in my family, but that is missing the point. Until Jesus comes back there will always be something for me to be upset about. If that is where I chose to direct all of my energy, everything I do will seem plagued by futility and hopelessness. I have all the hope in the world, God has my back, and my front for that matter. That is what I need to be spreading, that is what I need to be focusing on. Not terrorism, disease, or my Dad's choice in clothing. I have so much to be thankful for, God has blessed me with the most wonderful friends and the most quirky family. Thanks to all of you who have been my rocks throughout the years. I can't even begin to think of what my life would be like now without you.

What is normal?

nothing you will read in the next 5 minutes.

1.Thanksgiving
Anytime we have a large family gathering I feel like I am on some sort of reality show where they put a couple of normal people in the midst of a lot of larger than life characters that have nothing better to do than terrorize the village of normal. My autistic 2nd cousin played Hawaii 5-0 and Star Wars on the flute/clarinet for 6 hours with a brief (and by brief I mean 10 minutes) intermission for lunch. I mean this in the nicest way, but it sounded like someone was repeatedly smacking a bag of cats against the wall. (I guess there really is nothing nice about that.) My dad kept most of the men busy showing them his gun collection. ( side note: he somehow managed to get attacked by a pheasant a week ago.) My grandma didn't recognize me, she also thought I was in the paper the next morning...I was not. My aunt who is 33 came in wearing her fiance's letter jacket from the early 90's and complaining about it in a way that you know she's trying to evoke either compliments or jealously. I don't do events like that very well. I want to get a microphone and tell everyone what I am doing, where I am living, and that I am not dating anyone that way I only have to do it once. Then they can all give me that look of pity because I am the oldest woman EVER to not be married. Spare me, I am happy, I don't care. Whitney and I watched a lot of FRIENDS and went and saw RENT aka the worst movie ever made. Six words: dancing 80's singer with a mullet. If it sounds intriguing, funny, anything other than horrible, you're wrong.

2. I left this weekend with the nickname Bruce.

3. There are more white-tailed deer on the continent than ever before. (that was just for you Sarah.)


uhhh... I was just looked at in all seriousness and told not "to mess with a grieving widow"

10 things that are guaranteed to make me want to curse (part 2)

I should mention these are in no particular order, they all drive me nuts.

5. Men who insist on car flirting.
-(Sorry to the readers of the male persuasion on this one. Although women may car flirt too, I just haven't been forced against my will to endure that.) You know what I am talking about though. It usually rears its ugly head in one of the following ways. Keeping pace with my car, yelling out the window, or my favorite honking. Honestly, what is honking going to do? Put me in a trance where I suddenly lose all control of myself and pull over my car so we can have what will obviously be a very profound and meaningful conversation. Yeah, and Ryan Adams doesn't do drugs, he's just a little different.

4. Paris Hilton
- If I have to explain why you don't get me at all.

3. People who are 23 and act like they are in middle school.
- You know the types, you swear they are 12 year olds trapped inside an adults body. They have a need to draw attention to themselves using any mean possible. Usually smell of either B.O. or to much cologne.

2. People who think I need to try things like camping.
-Trust me there are just some things I don't need to try in order to know I don't like them. Those people also forget I lived in the middle of the woods in an un-airconditioned cabin with an outdoor bathroom for a month in the middle of the summer. There were large insects in my shower. Nothing was anywhere close to clean. Take away the cabin and replace it with a tent, and get rid of the bathroom all together. Yeah, camping sounds like a real joy. What are you nuts? I would rather be flung from a moving vehicle.

1. Our Neighbor.
-She hasn't struck lately, but when she does it is hilariously annoying.

1. she climbed over our fence to show Erin how to trim our Peonies. (She's in her 60's)
2. came over to "compliment" a flower arrangement I was doing and to inform me that the few step marks in the snow on her lawn from a frisbee game the night before irritated her because she's "had kids, now she wants a yard."
3. came over to tell us we need to weed, and rake.
4. Referred to my roommate Erin as Tina. Why? I don't know.
5. When a ground squirrel ran over my arm and I screamed like a woman in labor she looked at me like I was nuts and reminded me it was more scared of me than I was of it. Thanks, that helps.

10 things that are guaranteed to make me want to curse (Part 1)

10. Commercials for toothpaste where the model is using no toothpaste.
- Just for doing that I want to squirt toothpaste all over you and dump cheetos on your
head. Here's an idea, use the product your trying to sell.

9. Talking on the phone for 2 hours to someone who I A. just saw or B. lives 10 minutes away.
-Unless there has been an emergency in the 5 minutes since I've seen you, don't call. If you live 10 minutes away and would rather me sacrifice the use of my right arm for the rest of the night rather than have me drive 10 minutes, do you really need to talk to me that badly?Hint:The answer is no.

8. Pretending to have a really genuine conversation with someone who wouldn't know what REAL was if a UFO filled with unicorns landed in their backyard.
- Do I need to comment on how horrendous this sort of situation is for me. They are the prime contenders for Tiffany's amazing foot in mouth show.

"Hey! You look ADORABLE!"-them

"Uh, I just woke up. I am wearing a tshirt with paint all over it. I HAVE
MASCARA LEFT OVER FROM LAST NIGHT SMEARED ACROSS MY FACE!"-me

"Very cool, it's like a new kind of fashion makeup."-them

"Stop sucking up you moron."(And cue the door slam in face)-me (I will then promptly feel guilty and remain that way for all eternity)

7. People who take there kids to starbucks like it is some sort of caffeinated playground. (the one in the village is particularly bad.) I am fairly sure that starbucks is more annoyed than I will ever be. They got a sign that says "unattended children will receive an espresso and a free puppy." That would be a new pet peeve, Starbucks filled with children hopped up on espresso smack-petting puppies (you know the way kids pet dogs, it is more of a soft punch than anything else.)

6.Anything by Daniel Bedingfield.

5.People who ride their bikes down busy streets during rush hour.

-What is the matter with these people? Are they going 45 miles per hour? No! They are typically barely moving at all. What is wrong with I don't know 4:00 or 7:00? AND FOR GOODNESS SAKE, WHY CAN'T I REMOVE THE LINE IN BETWEEN MY POINT AND MY COMMENT!!!

I am pulling the really annoying thing I like to call the "Full House" move. (Used more as a ploy to retain the people who tuned in to watch one show, but got sucked in by the amazing musical interludes or possibly Kimmy Gibler.)

To Be Continued...

(What a cliff hanger)

I would like one BURNING RING OF FIRE please.

I am accident prone. In a matter of 3 days I burned my arm in the oven, burned my stomach on the stovetop (profanity warning,) sliced the crap out of both of my hands when the knife part of the apple corer came out of the plastic and lodged itself into my hands (obviously profanity was used,) danced into a coffee table, and shut my finger into the bathroom door. I am lucky to be alive!

Walk the Line is every bit as good as everyone has said. Probably the best movie I have seen in at least a year. I think I fell in love with Joaquin Phoenix. There were two points in the movie where he was singing and gave this look to the camera, wow, my stomach turned, and cue the swoon. When an actor can evoke an emotion that very very rarely occurs in real life he is in the right profession. It was so well made. I can't do any justice to it, you just need to go see it. I think I am going again next Saturday if anyone would like to join me. My favorite line was when a drunken Johnny walks up to June's house and says he was on a "love walk, the June Carter love walk." Forget saying "I am bewitched by you" (a line from pride and prejudice my roommates LOVED, that I...well let's just say I less than loved) hit me with the humor any day, even if you are drunk. Well maybe don't do it drunk, that would probably piss me off.

The parting note: Yesterday I had Thanksgiving with my dad's side of the family. I will just do a run of the highlights.

- my mom marching down the driveway like Maria in the Sound of Music. She is by far the cutest woman alive.

- my dad falling asleep on my shoulder and mumbling something about my friends committing federal offenses.

and finally

-my drunk aunt helping my sister write her psychology paper on healthy and unhealthy ways to deal with stress. A couple to note: drinking, sex (under both categories), and cutting yourself. At one point homicide was on the healthy side, healthy for me not for others...

Won't you join me in prayer for my future husband. May he have a wicked sense of humor, and as much grace as Jesus himself.

I am going to start using the word FANCY a lot more

Rant #1:

I typically hate any movie that features women in corsets, who always look sweaty, and men who tie ribbons in their hair. Pride and Prejudice fufills all three of those requirements, but I actually liked it! Throughout the entire movie a couple of things kept going through my head.
A. "Shut UP!" whenever the mom was talking.
B." I want to knock that girl out." Whenever one of the giggling younger sisters was on the
screen.
C. And finally "Ughuh!!! SEXUAL POLITICS!!!" It was driving me nuts, in the way only good sexual tension can. (Brings to mind a scene in Reality Bites where Troy states "If I could bottle the sexual tension between Bonnie Franklin and Shnyder,I could solve the energy crisis." If you haven't seen that movie, do yourself a favor and rent it.) The entire movie I wanted to intervene and make Mr. Darcy and Lizzy sit down so they could and sort out their many issues. But is that what happened? NO. Why? Because I am not Jane Austin, that's why. I guess that would have been a pretty lame story, but what kind of man rides a horse to a woman's house to say " I have a letter" (all britishy so therefore hot) and then disappears into the night. I guess having all the miscommunication is much more realistic than everything going perfectly, and that is the source of my tension. I hate miscommunication. I will say I want to start using more british words. If you catch me saying things like " I Fancy that one!" don't be surprised. Join in my bloody party. Ehhh, so maybe I should work on integrating one word at a time.



Rant #2:

We got beanie babies at work today. They are dogs with t-shirts on (one of my biggest pet peeves...animals with clothing on. WHY?WHY, do humans do this. They are animals stop treating them as if that were not the case. NO your dog isn't anymore cute dressed as a fireman, snowman, or Freddie Krueger. In fact I like it less because you dressed it up.) Anyway I now am the proud owner of a beanie baby dog with a t-shirt that reads PAWS. I really thought my entry into pet ownership would be a much more exciting event. Sad day. (I like how I completely avoided any mention of why we got beanie babies. I guess because I don't really understand. A very inappropriate name is in the works.)

I may just post a list of my pet peeves next week, that way you all can avoid irritating me.

They would work better with those little rubber things on the bottom.

I am truly beginning to wonder if there were awards for most likely to fall for no reason if I wouldn't win. I know Amy would give me some competition, but I am sorry lady, I think I have you beat. Let me set the stage for the fiasco that leaves me bruised both emotionally and physically (well not really physically.) We had bible study at our house this week. I should preface all of this by saying we have hard wood floors, and in my defense I was wearing socks with the least amount of traction imaginable, anti-traction if you will. ( I know what some of the more smart ass-ish people are thinking. Do socks have traction? Is ass-ish a word? Some do. It is now. Now stop being so dang critical so that I can get on with the story.) I was attempting to get to the kitchen when I had a sudden collision with the floor. Tried to catch myself, but it was an utterly futile attempt. If you have seen "Along Came Polly" and remember the scene at the very beginning where the best man is walking across the dance floor and with no warning smacks into the ground you are getting a visual. I, in true Tiffany fashion, begin rolling on the floor laughing hysterically to the point of tears. Everyone looks immediately, but only chuckle out of pity for the poor, and perhaps not completely mentally competent, pile of person on the ground that can't seem to even get the concept of walking down. Unfortunately it takes an unbelievable amount to make me bruise. ( Don't get any ideas. I have a right hook comparable to hmmmm...someone with a deadly right hook.) There is no bruise, just a story that probably only I find funny. You read this far though so you must have been at least somewhat amused.

An Affair to Remember

My favorite season of the year is slowly coming to a close. Am I sad? Kind of. Did I let it go without some sort of major PDA for the departing crisp weather and beautiful leaves? Hell NO! I broke out the wife beater and the leaf blower and had a massacre in our front yard. I am sure a lot of the neighbors were questioning our land lords discretion when they came outside and heard Black Eyed Peas blaring from our porch and me running around the front yard with a leaf blower in a wife beater and enormous sunglasses (eye protection people, plus the added bonus of being the most glamorous leaf blower on the block.) In all fairness the guy across the street insists on running in those 70's running shorts that make you want to turn away, but instead you stare in shock. I think I deserve one day to frolic and also I don't care what they think. A DTR may be in order, my yard may actually be under the impression we are going to have more interactions of this sort, it's wrong. Well maybe one more, depends on my mood. Aaand I'm on my way to therapy, pronto.

A Serious Note

Have you ever been reminiscing on the past and realize your life is not at all what you thought it was going to be, but that it is better than you ever would have guessed? I have never been one to really have a plan for what I think is going to happen, but it struck me the other day that if someone told me even 3 1/2 months ago that I would be working in insurance I would have laughed at them and probably given them a real good look at my middle finger. Even when I started here I was anticipating the worst. Horribly mean people who are all out to get me, and a job that I loathe with every ounce of my being. I am typically an optimist, but I was so skeptical entering a job in the "real" world. (Which I was told I had never been a part of.) I have learned a vast amount in a month and a half, more than I could even begin to write in a post. Most of which revolves not around insurance ,although I do know a lot about that now, but around the human condition.

Had I remained in my position at the church I am sure I would still love people, but I don't think I would have truly learned to love the way I have here. The people I thought were going to be "hard," the people I thought would make my life miserable, those people were no where to be found. It has convicted me like few things in my life have. I have been given the great privilege to see into their lives, lives plagued by infidelity, heartache, depression, the list could go on and on. At one point, although I would have never said it out loud, I think I saw compassion as nothing more than pity. I know now that unless I want to get on my knees with the hope of getting others on their feet, I am in it for the wrong reason. If I am not willing to put them before myself how are they ever going to see that Christ truly can permeate a person's being. If I am so selfish that I can't go out of my way to help people in need, even if all they need a cup of coffee or someone to talk to, than I have surrendered before the fight has begun. God has put me here, I know it, I feel it in the depth of my being. I am humbled everyday by the kindness shown to me, by people who have no reason to be kind other than "it's the right thing to do." I am convinced that at the root of who we are, very few of us (by us I mean humans) actually want to be mean and conniving. People are longing for generosity, kindness, and most importantly love. They are longing for something to pull them out of the mundane, out of the emptiness that they have found themselves in. Christ is not mundane, and He is certainly not empty. He is longing to be found by those who do not know Him, and we are His vessels.

I know this doesn't run with the usual tone of my blogs, but it has been on my mind a lot lately so I felt compelled to share.

Education at its Finest

I learned a lot this weekend, most of it useless information, but still good for a few laughs.

-If in fact I do get my own bounty hunting/ninja show Bon Jovi will definitely be on the soundtrack. Nothing says I am going to hunt you down and arrest you like "Shot through the heart and your to blame." I am however going to have to get over my fear of actually being shot through the heart...and fish.

These pictures surfaced, making it even more likely that I will get my own show. I look psychotic.

Watch out anyone in line for the bathroom, Tiffany's here and she has a spastic bladder. That's a messy situation.









These boys don't know it yet but I am about to do the splits in the air and put them in a lot of pain. Sorry guys.

Why is Michael smiling? He is about to get kicked in the crotch, that'll make him stop! Tommy...what are you doing?








- I don't really like strangers

- There is such a thing as a taxidermied horse. Frightening.

- I can be OCD when I clean. O wait I already knew that.

- I like the smell of tobacco flower. A lot.

- If I dry my comforter in the dryer it will get things that look like pee spots all over it, but is actually where the dryer began to burn through the fabric. Information that would have been good to know BEFORE I dried it. Thank you Kohl's. (Lisa I am blaming this on you.)