It's that time of year where I reflect on past journal entries.

How's that for a title. I leave very little to the imagination.

Last night I read the first entry of my journal for this year, which I haven't read since I wrote on February 19th.(Why I didn't journal for the first month and a half I don't know) I began reading thinking "oh this will be cool, I am sure stuff has changed." I had no idea. Here is the part I found most captivating.

Everything is changing. May You give me peace in yet another year of transition. May this be a year of sweet renewal and blessing. Isaiah 61 come soon! May I truly find myself falling deeper and deeper in love with You. May I find myself leaning on You naturally, by habit, not only when times get unbearable. May I see You move in ways I have never thought possible. I am delighted by You in my pain. You are my love. You are my peace. You are why I am.

Every single thing I prayed about has become more of a reality than I could have even conceived at that point in time. How easy is it to forget that God actually cares about what I am thinking, doing, seeing, anything? He cares even more than I care. He wants me to be happy, and I don't really think I've ever actually believed that. But it is true. It is so easy to focus my thoughts on all the crap going on in the world, even just in my family, but that is missing the point. Until Jesus comes back there will always be something for me to be upset about. If that is where I chose to direct all of my energy, everything I do will seem plagued by futility and hopelessness. I have all the hope in the world, God has my back, and my front for that matter. That is what I need to be spreading, that is what I need to be focusing on. Not terrorism, disease, or my Dad's choice in clothing. I have so much to be thankful for, God has blessed me with the most wonderful friends and the most quirky family. Thanks to all of you who have been my rocks throughout the years. I can't even begin to think of what my life would be like now without you.

What is normal?

nothing you will read in the next 5 minutes.

1.Thanksgiving
Anytime we have a large family gathering I feel like I am on some sort of reality show where they put a couple of normal people in the midst of a lot of larger than life characters that have nothing better to do than terrorize the village of normal. My autistic 2nd cousin played Hawaii 5-0 and Star Wars on the flute/clarinet for 6 hours with a brief (and by brief I mean 10 minutes) intermission for lunch. I mean this in the nicest way, but it sounded like someone was repeatedly smacking a bag of cats against the wall. (I guess there really is nothing nice about that.) My dad kept most of the men busy showing them his gun collection. ( side note: he somehow managed to get attacked by a pheasant a week ago.) My grandma didn't recognize me, she also thought I was in the paper the next morning...I was not. My aunt who is 33 came in wearing her fiance's letter jacket from the early 90's and complaining about it in a way that you know she's trying to evoke either compliments or jealously. I don't do events like that very well. I want to get a microphone and tell everyone what I am doing, where I am living, and that I am not dating anyone that way I only have to do it once. Then they can all give me that look of pity because I am the oldest woman EVER to not be married. Spare me, I am happy, I don't care. Whitney and I watched a lot of FRIENDS and went and saw RENT aka the worst movie ever made. Six words: dancing 80's singer with a mullet. If it sounds intriguing, funny, anything other than horrible, you're wrong.

2. I left this weekend with the nickname Bruce.

3. There are more white-tailed deer on the continent than ever before. (that was just for you Sarah.)


uhhh... I was just looked at in all seriousness and told not "to mess with a grieving widow"

10 things that are guaranteed to make me want to curse (part 2)

I should mention these are in no particular order, they all drive me nuts.

5. Men who insist on car flirting.
-(Sorry to the readers of the male persuasion on this one. Although women may car flirt too, I just haven't been forced against my will to endure that.) You know what I am talking about though. It usually rears its ugly head in one of the following ways. Keeping pace with my car, yelling out the window, or my favorite honking. Honestly, what is honking going to do? Put me in a trance where I suddenly lose all control of myself and pull over my car so we can have what will obviously be a very profound and meaningful conversation. Yeah, and Ryan Adams doesn't do drugs, he's just a little different.

4. Paris Hilton
- If I have to explain why you don't get me at all.

3. People who are 23 and act like they are in middle school.
- You know the types, you swear they are 12 year olds trapped inside an adults body. They have a need to draw attention to themselves using any mean possible. Usually smell of either B.O. or to much cologne.

2. People who think I need to try things like camping.
-Trust me there are just some things I don't need to try in order to know I don't like them. Those people also forget I lived in the middle of the woods in an un-airconditioned cabin with an outdoor bathroom for a month in the middle of the summer. There were large insects in my shower. Nothing was anywhere close to clean. Take away the cabin and replace it with a tent, and get rid of the bathroom all together. Yeah, camping sounds like a real joy. What are you nuts? I would rather be flung from a moving vehicle.

1. Our Neighbor.
-She hasn't struck lately, but when she does it is hilariously annoying.

1. she climbed over our fence to show Erin how to trim our Peonies. (She's in her 60's)
2. came over to "compliment" a flower arrangement I was doing and to inform me that the few step marks in the snow on her lawn from a frisbee game the night before irritated her because she's "had kids, now she wants a yard."
3. came over to tell us we need to weed, and rake.
4. Referred to my roommate Erin as Tina. Why? I don't know.
5. When a ground squirrel ran over my arm and I screamed like a woman in labor she looked at me like I was nuts and reminded me it was more scared of me than I was of it. Thanks, that helps.

10 things that are guaranteed to make me want to curse (Part 1)

10. Commercials for toothpaste where the model is using no toothpaste.
- Just for doing that I want to squirt toothpaste all over you and dump cheetos on your
head. Here's an idea, use the product your trying to sell.

9. Talking on the phone for 2 hours to someone who I A. just saw or B. lives 10 minutes away.
-Unless there has been an emergency in the 5 minutes since I've seen you, don't call. If you live 10 minutes away and would rather me sacrifice the use of my right arm for the rest of the night rather than have me drive 10 minutes, do you really need to talk to me that badly?Hint:The answer is no.

8. Pretending to have a really genuine conversation with someone who wouldn't know what REAL was if a UFO filled with unicorns landed in their backyard.
- Do I need to comment on how horrendous this sort of situation is for me. They are the prime contenders for Tiffany's amazing foot in mouth show.

"Hey! You look ADORABLE!"-them

"Uh, I just woke up. I am wearing a tshirt with paint all over it. I HAVE
MASCARA LEFT OVER FROM LAST NIGHT SMEARED ACROSS MY FACE!"-me

"Very cool, it's like a new kind of fashion makeup."-them

"Stop sucking up you moron."(And cue the door slam in face)-me (I will then promptly feel guilty and remain that way for all eternity)

7. People who take there kids to starbucks like it is some sort of caffeinated playground. (the one in the village is particularly bad.) I am fairly sure that starbucks is more annoyed than I will ever be. They got a sign that says "unattended children will receive an espresso and a free puppy." That would be a new pet peeve, Starbucks filled with children hopped up on espresso smack-petting puppies (you know the way kids pet dogs, it is more of a soft punch than anything else.)

6.Anything by Daniel Bedingfield.

5.People who ride their bikes down busy streets during rush hour.

-What is the matter with these people? Are they going 45 miles per hour? No! They are typically barely moving at all. What is wrong with I don't know 4:00 or 7:00? AND FOR GOODNESS SAKE, WHY CAN'T I REMOVE THE LINE IN BETWEEN MY POINT AND MY COMMENT!!!

I am pulling the really annoying thing I like to call the "Full House" move. (Used more as a ploy to retain the people who tuned in to watch one show, but got sucked in by the amazing musical interludes or possibly Kimmy Gibler.)

To Be Continued...

(What a cliff hanger)

I would like one BURNING RING OF FIRE please.

I am accident prone. In a matter of 3 days I burned my arm in the oven, burned my stomach on the stovetop (profanity warning,) sliced the crap out of both of my hands when the knife part of the apple corer came out of the plastic and lodged itself into my hands (obviously profanity was used,) danced into a coffee table, and shut my finger into the bathroom door. I am lucky to be alive!

Walk the Line is every bit as good as everyone has said. Probably the best movie I have seen in at least a year. I think I fell in love with Joaquin Phoenix. There were two points in the movie where he was singing and gave this look to the camera, wow, my stomach turned, and cue the swoon. When an actor can evoke an emotion that very very rarely occurs in real life he is in the right profession. It was so well made. I can't do any justice to it, you just need to go see it. I think I am going again next Saturday if anyone would like to join me. My favorite line was when a drunken Johnny walks up to June's house and says he was on a "love walk, the June Carter love walk." Forget saying "I am bewitched by you" (a line from pride and prejudice my roommates LOVED, that I...well let's just say I less than loved) hit me with the humor any day, even if you are drunk. Well maybe don't do it drunk, that would probably piss me off.

The parting note: Yesterday I had Thanksgiving with my dad's side of the family. I will just do a run of the highlights.

- my mom marching down the driveway like Maria in the Sound of Music. She is by far the cutest woman alive.

- my dad falling asleep on my shoulder and mumbling something about my friends committing federal offenses.

and finally

-my drunk aunt helping my sister write her psychology paper on healthy and unhealthy ways to deal with stress. A couple to note: drinking, sex (under both categories), and cutting yourself. At one point homicide was on the healthy side, healthy for me not for others...

Won't you join me in prayer for my future husband. May he have a wicked sense of humor, and as much grace as Jesus himself.

I am going to start using the word FANCY a lot more

Rant #1:

I typically hate any movie that features women in corsets, who always look sweaty, and men who tie ribbons in their hair. Pride and Prejudice fufills all three of those requirements, but I actually liked it! Throughout the entire movie a couple of things kept going through my head.
A. "Shut UP!" whenever the mom was talking.
B." I want to knock that girl out." Whenever one of the giggling younger sisters was on the
screen.
C. And finally "Ughuh!!! SEXUAL POLITICS!!!" It was driving me nuts, in the way only good sexual tension can. (Brings to mind a scene in Reality Bites where Troy states "If I could bottle the sexual tension between Bonnie Franklin and Shnyder,I could solve the energy crisis." If you haven't seen that movie, do yourself a favor and rent it.) The entire movie I wanted to intervene and make Mr. Darcy and Lizzy sit down so they could and sort out their many issues. But is that what happened? NO. Why? Because I am not Jane Austin, that's why. I guess that would have been a pretty lame story, but what kind of man rides a horse to a woman's house to say " I have a letter" (all britishy so therefore hot) and then disappears into the night. I guess having all the miscommunication is much more realistic than everything going perfectly, and that is the source of my tension. I hate miscommunication. I will say I want to start using more british words. If you catch me saying things like " I Fancy that one!" don't be surprised. Join in my bloody party. Ehhh, so maybe I should work on integrating one word at a time.



Rant #2:

We got beanie babies at work today. They are dogs with t-shirts on (one of my biggest pet peeves...animals with clothing on. WHY?WHY, do humans do this. They are animals stop treating them as if that were not the case. NO your dog isn't anymore cute dressed as a fireman, snowman, or Freddie Krueger. In fact I like it less because you dressed it up.) Anyway I now am the proud owner of a beanie baby dog with a t-shirt that reads PAWS. I really thought my entry into pet ownership would be a much more exciting event. Sad day. (I like how I completely avoided any mention of why we got beanie babies. I guess because I don't really understand. A very inappropriate name is in the works.)

I may just post a list of my pet peeves next week, that way you all can avoid irritating me.

They would work better with those little rubber things on the bottom.

I am truly beginning to wonder if there were awards for most likely to fall for no reason if I wouldn't win. I know Amy would give me some competition, but I am sorry lady, I think I have you beat. Let me set the stage for the fiasco that leaves me bruised both emotionally and physically (well not really physically.) We had bible study at our house this week. I should preface all of this by saying we have hard wood floors, and in my defense I was wearing socks with the least amount of traction imaginable, anti-traction if you will. ( I know what some of the more smart ass-ish people are thinking. Do socks have traction? Is ass-ish a word? Some do. It is now. Now stop being so dang critical so that I can get on with the story.) I was attempting to get to the kitchen when I had a sudden collision with the floor. Tried to catch myself, but it was an utterly futile attempt. If you have seen "Along Came Polly" and remember the scene at the very beginning where the best man is walking across the dance floor and with no warning smacks into the ground you are getting a visual. I, in true Tiffany fashion, begin rolling on the floor laughing hysterically to the point of tears. Everyone looks immediately, but only chuckle out of pity for the poor, and perhaps not completely mentally competent, pile of person on the ground that can't seem to even get the concept of walking down. Unfortunately it takes an unbelievable amount to make me bruise. ( Don't get any ideas. I have a right hook comparable to hmmmm...someone with a deadly right hook.) There is no bruise, just a story that probably only I find funny. You read this far though so you must have been at least somewhat amused.

An Affair to Remember

My favorite season of the year is slowly coming to a close. Am I sad? Kind of. Did I let it go without some sort of major PDA for the departing crisp weather and beautiful leaves? Hell NO! I broke out the wife beater and the leaf blower and had a massacre in our front yard. I am sure a lot of the neighbors were questioning our land lords discretion when they came outside and heard Black Eyed Peas blaring from our porch and me running around the front yard with a leaf blower in a wife beater and enormous sunglasses (eye protection people, plus the added bonus of being the most glamorous leaf blower on the block.) In all fairness the guy across the street insists on running in those 70's running shorts that make you want to turn away, but instead you stare in shock. I think I deserve one day to frolic and also I don't care what they think. A DTR may be in order, my yard may actually be under the impression we are going to have more interactions of this sort, it's wrong. Well maybe one more, depends on my mood. Aaand I'm on my way to therapy, pronto.

A Serious Note

Have you ever been reminiscing on the past and realize your life is not at all what you thought it was going to be, but that it is better than you ever would have guessed? I have never been one to really have a plan for what I think is going to happen, but it struck me the other day that if someone told me even 3 1/2 months ago that I would be working in insurance I would have laughed at them and probably given them a real good look at my middle finger. Even when I started here I was anticipating the worst. Horribly mean people who are all out to get me, and a job that I loathe with every ounce of my being. I am typically an optimist, but I was so skeptical entering a job in the "real" world. (Which I was told I had never been a part of.) I have learned a vast amount in a month and a half, more than I could even begin to write in a post. Most of which revolves not around insurance ,although I do know a lot about that now, but around the human condition.

Had I remained in my position at the church I am sure I would still love people, but I don't think I would have truly learned to love the way I have here. The people I thought were going to be "hard," the people I thought would make my life miserable, those people were no where to be found. It has convicted me like few things in my life have. I have been given the great privilege to see into their lives, lives plagued by infidelity, heartache, depression, the list could go on and on. At one point, although I would have never said it out loud, I think I saw compassion as nothing more than pity. I know now that unless I want to get on my knees with the hope of getting others on their feet, I am in it for the wrong reason. If I am not willing to put them before myself how are they ever going to see that Christ truly can permeate a person's being. If I am so selfish that I can't go out of my way to help people in need, even if all they need a cup of coffee or someone to talk to, than I have surrendered before the fight has begun. God has put me here, I know it, I feel it in the depth of my being. I am humbled everyday by the kindness shown to me, by people who have no reason to be kind other than "it's the right thing to do." I am convinced that at the root of who we are, very few of us (by us I mean humans) actually want to be mean and conniving. People are longing for generosity, kindness, and most importantly love. They are longing for something to pull them out of the mundane, out of the emptiness that they have found themselves in. Christ is not mundane, and He is certainly not empty. He is longing to be found by those who do not know Him, and we are His vessels.

I know this doesn't run with the usual tone of my blogs, but it has been on my mind a lot lately so I felt compelled to share.

Education at its Finest

I learned a lot this weekend, most of it useless information, but still good for a few laughs.

-If in fact I do get my own bounty hunting/ninja show Bon Jovi will definitely be on the soundtrack. Nothing says I am going to hunt you down and arrest you like "Shot through the heart and your to blame." I am however going to have to get over my fear of actually being shot through the heart...and fish.

These pictures surfaced, making it even more likely that I will get my own show. I look psychotic.

Watch out anyone in line for the bathroom, Tiffany's here and she has a spastic bladder. That's a messy situation.









These boys don't know it yet but I am about to do the splits in the air and put them in a lot of pain. Sorry guys.

Why is Michael smiling? He is about to get kicked in the crotch, that'll make him stop! Tommy...what are you doing?








- I don't really like strangers

- There is such a thing as a taxidermied horse. Frightening.

- I can be OCD when I clean. O wait I already knew that.

- I like the smell of tobacco flower. A lot.

- If I dry my comforter in the dryer it will get things that look like pee spots all over it, but is actually where the dryer began to burn through the fabric. Information that would have been good to know BEFORE I dried it. Thank you Kohl's. (Lisa I am blaming this on you.)

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph we have a PROBLEM!!!

Last night was no ordinary night, o no my friends, it was trading spouses night on fox. I am not usually drawn to that sort of thing. Usually it goes like this: Two people with different lives switch places, everyone realizes they like things there own way. Like I needed a TV show to tell me that. I already know I like my life better than someone who lives on a farm, gets up at 2 to feed the cows, and has no indoor plumbing. Why anyone would ever sign up for something like that is beyond me. If people don't realize that the producers are going to hook them up with a lifestyle completely opposite of the one they are used to, than they deserve to be at a freaking solstice party throwing incense into a fire and dry heaving. It is always their aim to make people look as nuts as they can. Spend 4 hours watching tv while braiding a child's hair and donating lots of money to a good cause, and then go on a screaming rampage and throw a kid across the room. I don't care if the kid suddenly became rabid and tore a piece of the flesh off of your arm which caused you to hurl the lovable little craphead into the wall. You threw a child, and that is UNFORGIVABLE!!!(Resounding gong)

Last night was the "Jerry Springer of wife swaps"(shalinn's words not mine.)

One family...excuse me, woman was a "Fiercly religious," psycho Christian (Marguerite.) A lethal combination in the fight against spreading Christianity anywhere FOX is shown. A very vocal woman who was exorcising every space and person she was around. The woman freaked out when she saw a star covered in Christmas lights, and dry heaved when the dryer started making a weird noise. Her best quotes: "I feel uneasiness around here." and"Get out of my F%$^ING house in Jesus name I pray." Pretty sure He was honored.

The other family was very "spiritual." Jeanne was a hypnotherapist, and hosted a radio talk show about love and relationships. She tried to hypnotize one of the daughters of the family she was staying with. ( It should be noted that when she does hypnosis it is done with a microphone from across the room. Making it all the more weird.)The girl ended up taking a "very relaxing nap." Jeanne's best quote/action: "I will count to 5 and you will wake up"...When 5 was reached the girl had done none of the 5 steps and was clearly sleeping so Jeanne took the microphone and held it up to the speaker to create a lovely feedback that woke the girl right out of her hypnotic slumber... I did feel bad for this lady she was pretty much verbally beat to death by Margarita's friends, who happened to be of the same breed as our dear sister . Has to be a terrier mix, very territorial and yippy. My favorite kind.


Lucky for everyone who missed it there will be another episode on next week with the same families. Let me just say it looks even more explosive. Go here and watch the video if you can. I will warn you. You may appreciate your parents more after you watch it.

An instance of OVERSHARE

A conversation had while working the phones today...

"Thank you for calling.....direct your call?" (middle part unimportant and boring)

"Hello sunshine!How are you?" (Said like a chipmunk on uppers.)

"Great, and yourself?"

"Are you smiling?"

"Not really, but you are making me laugh so kind of I guess."

"You know when I smile a lot it's usually because I have gas."

"Huh, ya know that may be more information than I needed."

Snippets

Apparently yelling "PICK UP THE PHONE" over intercom is not the best way to address people at work. Thankfully it was not me that made this fatal error.

Has anyone else noticed that KC has been smelling rather foul lately? I can't get away from the smell of hair salon perms. I know what you are all thinking, and no I didn't forget to shower/eat a lot of spicy food/get a perm last night. It smells here.

"Fun Size candy bars are getting smaller....it looks like something my dog squeezed out."