Depressing Excitement

Last night was rough. Personally I had a great day, but after work I called my dad to chat about some tax stuff and realized the instant he answered the phone that something was not right. He was talking really fast, it made my hands sweat. One of his really good friends went to visit his daughter and found her dead. I don't know his friend or the daughter, but I have never heard my dad so shaken up in my life. My dad has always been a pillar of masculinity. I have only seen him shed one tear. When I talked to him later in the evening he was getting really choked up, and having a hard time talking. Before we got off the phone he told me he loved me. After a couple seconds I told him I loved him. It was one of the few times I think I actually thought about the weight of what I was saying. It was a hard, beautiful moment I will not soon forget. The reason I share this is not to talk about my sad night. It is because it was one of those evenings where I realized just how fleeting life is. I am left restless by that realization. Primarily because there is so much I want to do in my life that the thought of it quickly coming to an end leaves me aching for an urgency I do not have. I want an adventurous spirit (not in a mountain biking kind of way) the kind of spirit that doesn't allow fear to take hold when something potentially risky comes along. The kind of spirit that jumps off symbolic cliffs knowing that it may hurt to land, but it is a lot better than not knowing what it felt like to jump. Sometimes trusting that God actually knows what He is doing is really hard in those situations, but I know He will catch me if I put myself in a place for Him to do so. I don't believe I am on this earth to be a quiet, mild-mannered Christian. That just isn't who I am. It is time to start living life the way it was meant to be lived. With reckless abandon. Watch out for cliff jumpers.