It's that time of year where I reflect on past journal entries.

How's that for a title. I leave very little to the imagination.

Last night I read the first entry of my journal for this year, which I haven't read since I wrote on February 19th.(Why I didn't journal for the first month and a half I don't know) I began reading thinking "oh this will be cool, I am sure stuff has changed." I had no idea. Here is the part I found most captivating.

Everything is changing. May You give me peace in yet another year of transition. May this be a year of sweet renewal and blessing. Isaiah 61 come soon! May I truly find myself falling deeper and deeper in love with You. May I find myself leaning on You naturally, by habit, not only when times get unbearable. May I see You move in ways I have never thought possible. I am delighted by You in my pain. You are my love. You are my peace. You are why I am.

Every single thing I prayed about has become more of a reality than I could have even conceived at that point in time. How easy is it to forget that God actually cares about what I am thinking, doing, seeing, anything? He cares even more than I care. He wants me to be happy, and I don't really think I've ever actually believed that. But it is true. It is so easy to focus my thoughts on all the crap going on in the world, even just in my family, but that is missing the point. Until Jesus comes back there will always be something for me to be upset about. If that is where I chose to direct all of my energy, everything I do will seem plagued by futility and hopelessness. I have all the hope in the world, God has my back, and my front for that matter. That is what I need to be spreading, that is what I need to be focusing on. Not terrorism, disease, or my Dad's choice in clothing. I have so much to be thankful for, God has blessed me with the most wonderful friends and the most quirky family. Thanks to all of you who have been my rocks throughout the years. I can't even begin to think of what my life would be like now without you.

What is normal?

nothing you will read in the next 5 minutes.

1.Thanksgiving
Anytime we have a large family gathering I feel like I am on some sort of reality show where they put a couple of normal people in the midst of a lot of larger than life characters that have nothing better to do than terrorize the village of normal. My autistic 2nd cousin played Hawaii 5-0 and Star Wars on the flute/clarinet for 6 hours with a brief (and by brief I mean 10 minutes) intermission for lunch. I mean this in the nicest way, but it sounded like someone was repeatedly smacking a bag of cats against the wall. (I guess there really is nothing nice about that.) My dad kept most of the men busy showing them his gun collection. ( side note: he somehow managed to get attacked by a pheasant a week ago.) My grandma didn't recognize me, she also thought I was in the paper the next morning...I was not. My aunt who is 33 came in wearing her fiance's letter jacket from the early 90's and complaining about it in a way that you know she's trying to evoke either compliments or jealously. I don't do events like that very well. I want to get a microphone and tell everyone what I am doing, where I am living, and that I am not dating anyone that way I only have to do it once. Then they can all give me that look of pity because I am the oldest woman EVER to not be married. Spare me, I am happy, I don't care. Whitney and I watched a lot of FRIENDS and went and saw RENT aka the worst movie ever made. Six words: dancing 80's singer with a mullet. If it sounds intriguing, funny, anything other than horrible, you're wrong.

2. I left this weekend with the nickname Bruce.

3. There are more white-tailed deer on the continent than ever before. (that was just for you Sarah.)


uhhh... I was just looked at in all seriousness and told not "to mess with a grieving widow"

10 things that are guaranteed to make me want to curse (part 2)

I should mention these are in no particular order, they all drive me nuts.

5. Men who insist on car flirting.
-(Sorry to the readers of the male persuasion on this one. Although women may car flirt too, I just haven't been forced against my will to endure that.) You know what I am talking about though. It usually rears its ugly head in one of the following ways. Keeping pace with my car, yelling out the window, or my favorite honking. Honestly, what is honking going to do? Put me in a trance where I suddenly lose all control of myself and pull over my car so we can have what will obviously be a very profound and meaningful conversation. Yeah, and Ryan Adams doesn't do drugs, he's just a little different.

4. Paris Hilton
- If I have to explain why you don't get me at all.

3. People who are 23 and act like they are in middle school.
- You know the types, you swear they are 12 year olds trapped inside an adults body. They have a need to draw attention to themselves using any mean possible. Usually smell of either B.O. or to much cologne.

2. People who think I need to try things like camping.
-Trust me there are just some things I don't need to try in order to know I don't like them. Those people also forget I lived in the middle of the woods in an un-airconditioned cabin with an outdoor bathroom for a month in the middle of the summer. There were large insects in my shower. Nothing was anywhere close to clean. Take away the cabin and replace it with a tent, and get rid of the bathroom all together. Yeah, camping sounds like a real joy. What are you nuts? I would rather be flung from a moving vehicle.

1. Our Neighbor.
-She hasn't struck lately, but when she does it is hilariously annoying.

1. she climbed over our fence to show Erin how to trim our Peonies. (She's in her 60's)
2. came over to "compliment" a flower arrangement I was doing and to inform me that the few step marks in the snow on her lawn from a frisbee game the night before irritated her because she's "had kids, now she wants a yard."
3. came over to tell us we need to weed, and rake.
4. Referred to my roommate Erin as Tina. Why? I don't know.
5. When a ground squirrel ran over my arm and I screamed like a woman in labor she looked at me like I was nuts and reminded me it was more scared of me than I was of it. Thanks, that helps.

10 things that are guaranteed to make me want to curse (Part 1)

10. Commercials for toothpaste where the model is using no toothpaste.
- Just for doing that I want to squirt toothpaste all over you and dump cheetos on your
head. Here's an idea, use the product your trying to sell.

9. Talking on the phone for 2 hours to someone who I A. just saw or B. lives 10 minutes away.
-Unless there has been an emergency in the 5 minutes since I've seen you, don't call. If you live 10 minutes away and would rather me sacrifice the use of my right arm for the rest of the night rather than have me drive 10 minutes, do you really need to talk to me that badly?Hint:The answer is no.

8. Pretending to have a really genuine conversation with someone who wouldn't know what REAL was if a UFO filled with unicorns landed in their backyard.
- Do I need to comment on how horrendous this sort of situation is for me. They are the prime contenders for Tiffany's amazing foot in mouth show.

"Hey! You look ADORABLE!"-them

"Uh, I just woke up. I am wearing a tshirt with paint all over it. I HAVE
MASCARA LEFT OVER FROM LAST NIGHT SMEARED ACROSS MY FACE!"-me

"Very cool, it's like a new kind of fashion makeup."-them

"Stop sucking up you moron."(And cue the door slam in face)-me (I will then promptly feel guilty and remain that way for all eternity)

7. People who take there kids to starbucks like it is some sort of caffeinated playground. (the one in the village is particularly bad.) I am fairly sure that starbucks is more annoyed than I will ever be. They got a sign that says "unattended children will receive an espresso and a free puppy." That would be a new pet peeve, Starbucks filled with children hopped up on espresso smack-petting puppies (you know the way kids pet dogs, it is more of a soft punch than anything else.)

6.Anything by Daniel Bedingfield.

5.People who ride their bikes down busy streets during rush hour.

-What is the matter with these people? Are they going 45 miles per hour? No! They are typically barely moving at all. What is wrong with I don't know 4:00 or 7:00? AND FOR GOODNESS SAKE, WHY CAN'T I REMOVE THE LINE IN BETWEEN MY POINT AND MY COMMENT!!!

I am pulling the really annoying thing I like to call the "Full House" move. (Used more as a ploy to retain the people who tuned in to watch one show, but got sucked in by the amazing musical interludes or possibly Kimmy Gibler.)

To Be Continued...

(What a cliff hanger)

I would like one BURNING RING OF FIRE please.

I am accident prone. In a matter of 3 days I burned my arm in the oven, burned my stomach on the stovetop (profanity warning,) sliced the crap out of both of my hands when the knife part of the apple corer came out of the plastic and lodged itself into my hands (obviously profanity was used,) danced into a coffee table, and shut my finger into the bathroom door. I am lucky to be alive!

Walk the Line is every bit as good as everyone has said. Probably the best movie I have seen in at least a year. I think I fell in love with Joaquin Phoenix. There were two points in the movie where he was singing and gave this look to the camera, wow, my stomach turned, and cue the swoon. When an actor can evoke an emotion that very very rarely occurs in real life he is in the right profession. It was so well made. I can't do any justice to it, you just need to go see it. I think I am going again next Saturday if anyone would like to join me. My favorite line was when a drunken Johnny walks up to June's house and says he was on a "love walk, the June Carter love walk." Forget saying "I am bewitched by you" (a line from pride and prejudice my roommates LOVED, that I...well let's just say I less than loved) hit me with the humor any day, even if you are drunk. Well maybe don't do it drunk, that would probably piss me off.

The parting note: Yesterday I had Thanksgiving with my dad's side of the family. I will just do a run of the highlights.

- my mom marching down the driveway like Maria in the Sound of Music. She is by far the cutest woman alive.

- my dad falling asleep on my shoulder and mumbling something about my friends committing federal offenses.

and finally

-my drunk aunt helping my sister write her psychology paper on healthy and unhealthy ways to deal with stress. A couple to note: drinking, sex (under both categories), and cutting yourself. At one point homicide was on the healthy side, healthy for me not for others...

Won't you join me in prayer for my future husband. May he have a wicked sense of humor, and as much grace as Jesus himself.

I am going to start using the word FANCY a lot more

Rant #1:

I typically hate any movie that features women in corsets, who always look sweaty, and men who tie ribbons in their hair. Pride and Prejudice fufills all three of those requirements, but I actually liked it! Throughout the entire movie a couple of things kept going through my head.
A. "Shut UP!" whenever the mom was talking.
B." I want to knock that girl out." Whenever one of the giggling younger sisters was on the
screen.
C. And finally "Ughuh!!! SEXUAL POLITICS!!!" It was driving me nuts, in the way only good sexual tension can. (Brings to mind a scene in Reality Bites where Troy states "If I could bottle the sexual tension between Bonnie Franklin and Shnyder,I could solve the energy crisis." If you haven't seen that movie, do yourself a favor and rent it.) The entire movie I wanted to intervene and make Mr. Darcy and Lizzy sit down so they could and sort out their many issues. But is that what happened? NO. Why? Because I am not Jane Austin, that's why. I guess that would have been a pretty lame story, but what kind of man rides a horse to a woman's house to say " I have a letter" (all britishy so therefore hot) and then disappears into the night. I guess having all the miscommunication is much more realistic than everything going perfectly, and that is the source of my tension. I hate miscommunication. I will say I want to start using more british words. If you catch me saying things like " I Fancy that one!" don't be surprised. Join in my bloody party. Ehhh, so maybe I should work on integrating one word at a time.



Rant #2:

We got beanie babies at work today. They are dogs with t-shirts on (one of my biggest pet peeves...animals with clothing on. WHY?WHY, do humans do this. They are animals stop treating them as if that were not the case. NO your dog isn't anymore cute dressed as a fireman, snowman, or Freddie Krueger. In fact I like it less because you dressed it up.) Anyway I now am the proud owner of a beanie baby dog with a t-shirt that reads PAWS. I really thought my entry into pet ownership would be a much more exciting event. Sad day. (I like how I completely avoided any mention of why we got beanie babies. I guess because I don't really understand. A very inappropriate name is in the works.)

I may just post a list of my pet peeves next week, that way you all can avoid irritating me.

They would work better with those little rubber things on the bottom.

I am truly beginning to wonder if there were awards for most likely to fall for no reason if I wouldn't win. I know Amy would give me some competition, but I am sorry lady, I think I have you beat. Let me set the stage for the fiasco that leaves me bruised both emotionally and physically (well not really physically.) We had bible study at our house this week. I should preface all of this by saying we have hard wood floors, and in my defense I was wearing socks with the least amount of traction imaginable, anti-traction if you will. ( I know what some of the more smart ass-ish people are thinking. Do socks have traction? Is ass-ish a word? Some do. It is now. Now stop being so dang critical so that I can get on with the story.) I was attempting to get to the kitchen when I had a sudden collision with the floor. Tried to catch myself, but it was an utterly futile attempt. If you have seen "Along Came Polly" and remember the scene at the very beginning where the best man is walking across the dance floor and with no warning smacks into the ground you are getting a visual. I, in true Tiffany fashion, begin rolling on the floor laughing hysterically to the point of tears. Everyone looks immediately, but only chuckle out of pity for the poor, and perhaps not completely mentally competent, pile of person on the ground that can't seem to even get the concept of walking down. Unfortunately it takes an unbelievable amount to make me bruise. ( Don't get any ideas. I have a right hook comparable to hmmmm...someone with a deadly right hook.) There is no bruise, just a story that probably only I find funny. You read this far though so you must have been at least somewhat amused.

An Affair to Remember

My favorite season of the year is slowly coming to a close. Am I sad? Kind of. Did I let it go without some sort of major PDA for the departing crisp weather and beautiful leaves? Hell NO! I broke out the wife beater and the leaf blower and had a massacre in our front yard. I am sure a lot of the neighbors were questioning our land lords discretion when they came outside and heard Black Eyed Peas blaring from our porch and me running around the front yard with a leaf blower in a wife beater and enormous sunglasses (eye protection people, plus the added bonus of being the most glamorous leaf blower on the block.) In all fairness the guy across the street insists on running in those 70's running shorts that make you want to turn away, but instead you stare in shock. I think I deserve one day to frolic and also I don't care what they think. A DTR may be in order, my yard may actually be under the impression we are going to have more interactions of this sort, it's wrong. Well maybe one more, depends on my mood. Aaand I'm on my way to therapy, pronto.

A Serious Note

Have you ever been reminiscing on the past and realize your life is not at all what you thought it was going to be, but that it is better than you ever would have guessed? I have never been one to really have a plan for what I think is going to happen, but it struck me the other day that if someone told me even 3 1/2 months ago that I would be working in insurance I would have laughed at them and probably given them a real good look at my middle finger. Even when I started here I was anticipating the worst. Horribly mean people who are all out to get me, and a job that I loathe with every ounce of my being. I am typically an optimist, but I was so skeptical entering a job in the "real" world. (Which I was told I had never been a part of.) I have learned a vast amount in a month and a half, more than I could even begin to write in a post. Most of which revolves not around insurance ,although I do know a lot about that now, but around the human condition.

Had I remained in my position at the church I am sure I would still love people, but I don't think I would have truly learned to love the way I have here. The people I thought were going to be "hard," the people I thought would make my life miserable, those people were no where to be found. It has convicted me like few things in my life have. I have been given the great privilege to see into their lives, lives plagued by infidelity, heartache, depression, the list could go on and on. At one point, although I would have never said it out loud, I think I saw compassion as nothing more than pity. I know now that unless I want to get on my knees with the hope of getting others on their feet, I am in it for the wrong reason. If I am not willing to put them before myself how are they ever going to see that Christ truly can permeate a person's being. If I am so selfish that I can't go out of my way to help people in need, even if all they need a cup of coffee or someone to talk to, than I have surrendered before the fight has begun. God has put me here, I know it, I feel it in the depth of my being. I am humbled everyday by the kindness shown to me, by people who have no reason to be kind other than "it's the right thing to do." I am convinced that at the root of who we are, very few of us (by us I mean humans) actually want to be mean and conniving. People are longing for generosity, kindness, and most importantly love. They are longing for something to pull them out of the mundane, out of the emptiness that they have found themselves in. Christ is not mundane, and He is certainly not empty. He is longing to be found by those who do not know Him, and we are His vessels.

I know this doesn't run with the usual tone of my blogs, but it has been on my mind a lot lately so I felt compelled to share.

Education at its Finest

I learned a lot this weekend, most of it useless information, but still good for a few laughs.

-If in fact I do get my own bounty hunting/ninja show Bon Jovi will definitely be on the soundtrack. Nothing says I am going to hunt you down and arrest you like "Shot through the heart and your to blame." I am however going to have to get over my fear of actually being shot through the heart...and fish.

These pictures surfaced, making it even more likely that I will get my own show. I look psychotic.

Watch out anyone in line for the bathroom, Tiffany's here and she has a spastic bladder. That's a messy situation.









These boys don't know it yet but I am about to do the splits in the air and put them in a lot of pain. Sorry guys.

Why is Michael smiling? He is about to get kicked in the crotch, that'll make him stop! Tommy...what are you doing?








- I don't really like strangers

- There is such a thing as a taxidermied horse. Frightening.

- I can be OCD when I clean. O wait I already knew that.

- I like the smell of tobacco flower. A lot.

- If I dry my comforter in the dryer it will get things that look like pee spots all over it, but is actually where the dryer began to burn through the fabric. Information that would have been good to know BEFORE I dried it. Thank you Kohl's. (Lisa I am blaming this on you.)

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph we have a PROBLEM!!!

Last night was no ordinary night, o no my friends, it was trading spouses night on fox. I am not usually drawn to that sort of thing. Usually it goes like this: Two people with different lives switch places, everyone realizes they like things there own way. Like I needed a TV show to tell me that. I already know I like my life better than someone who lives on a farm, gets up at 2 to feed the cows, and has no indoor plumbing. Why anyone would ever sign up for something like that is beyond me. If people don't realize that the producers are going to hook them up with a lifestyle completely opposite of the one they are used to, than they deserve to be at a freaking solstice party throwing incense into a fire and dry heaving. It is always their aim to make people look as nuts as they can. Spend 4 hours watching tv while braiding a child's hair and donating lots of money to a good cause, and then go on a screaming rampage and throw a kid across the room. I don't care if the kid suddenly became rabid and tore a piece of the flesh off of your arm which caused you to hurl the lovable little craphead into the wall. You threw a child, and that is UNFORGIVABLE!!!(Resounding gong)

Last night was the "Jerry Springer of wife swaps"(shalinn's words not mine.)

One family...excuse me, woman was a "Fiercly religious," psycho Christian (Marguerite.) A lethal combination in the fight against spreading Christianity anywhere FOX is shown. A very vocal woman who was exorcising every space and person she was around. The woman freaked out when she saw a star covered in Christmas lights, and dry heaved when the dryer started making a weird noise. Her best quotes: "I feel uneasiness around here." and"Get out of my F%$^ING house in Jesus name I pray." Pretty sure He was honored.

The other family was very "spiritual." Jeanne was a hypnotherapist, and hosted a radio talk show about love and relationships. She tried to hypnotize one of the daughters of the family she was staying with. ( It should be noted that when she does hypnosis it is done with a microphone from across the room. Making it all the more weird.)The girl ended up taking a "very relaxing nap." Jeanne's best quote/action: "I will count to 5 and you will wake up"...When 5 was reached the girl had done none of the 5 steps and was clearly sleeping so Jeanne took the microphone and held it up to the speaker to create a lovely feedback that woke the girl right out of her hypnotic slumber... I did feel bad for this lady she was pretty much verbally beat to death by Margarita's friends, who happened to be of the same breed as our dear sister . Has to be a terrier mix, very territorial and yippy. My favorite kind.


Lucky for everyone who missed it there will be another episode on next week with the same families. Let me just say it looks even more explosive. Go here and watch the video if you can. I will warn you. You may appreciate your parents more after you watch it.

An instance of OVERSHARE

A conversation had while working the phones today...

"Thank you for calling.....direct your call?" (middle part unimportant and boring)

"Hello sunshine!How are you?" (Said like a chipmunk on uppers.)

"Great, and yourself?"

"Are you smiling?"

"Not really, but you are making me laugh so kind of I guess."

"You know when I smile a lot it's usually because I have gas."

"Huh, ya know that may be more information than I needed."

Snippets

Apparently yelling "PICK UP THE PHONE" over intercom is not the best way to address people at work. Thankfully it was not me that made this fatal error.

Has anyone else noticed that KC has been smelling rather foul lately? I can't get away from the smell of hair salon perms. I know what you are all thinking, and no I didn't forget to shower/eat a lot of spicy food/get a perm last night. It smells here.

"Fun Size candy bars are getting smaller....it looks like something my dog squeezed out."

The Secret Lives of Hamsters

It has been requested that I recount the tragic hamster murder of 1991, that was not made public knowledge, and by "made public" I mean was kept a secret, until just a couple months ago....

I got a hamster when I was in the second grade. I hated it. I never played with it, I never cleaned out its cage. We kept it on the fridge so that we could forget that it was alive as much as possible. I know animal rights activists everywhere are duct taping their poster board to sticks so they can go picket my house as I type. Try to make me feel bad. Good luck. Anyway, tinkerbell slowly developed a cancer sore on her face. It was freaking sick. My dad and one of his friends thought it would be fun to have a little animal planet moment and perform surgery on my hamster. (I should tell you all that my dad is neither trained nor licensed in any form of medicine, animal or otherwise.) Long story short my hamster bled to death. I cried for like two days. I don't know why. That is what little girls do I guess. Pretend we don't like something until it's dead, and then create a whole scenario about how I was the only thing we lived for.

There it is. Hope my pain and agony made your day a little brighter.

Quote of the week...for your enjoyment...

"I liked Elizabethtown better when it starred Zach Braff and was called Garden State." Well done Doug, well done.

Tiffy the deer slayer

It was about two years ago that I was driving down a two lane highway and rammed what was still a cute car into a deer. My driving skills have been criticized by many. Even taking one person, who shall remain nameless ...(jenny,) to the point of saying " I like riding with you. I feel closer to Jesus." Okay that might not be verbatim, but it is the gist. I assure you this particular collision was the suicidal deer's fault, not my own. It was hit by a truck fell into the ditch and then when it saw my car got back up and crossed the street just in enough time to jack up my hood, fender, back passenger side door (it flung it's legs into the car, I am guessing not on purpose), and make my left headlight completely useless. Hold on the story is about to get really good. So I call my dad who is at my uncles house about 15 minutes away. I call the cops. In the meantime the driver of the truck who hit the deer first walks up to my car. Remember, dark, 2 lane highway at night. I am the most paranoid CSI, Rescue 911, Unsolved Mysteries watching freak. I assume this man is going take me for all that I am worth (which at that time was about 300 CDs) and leave me cold, wet, and sliced into a million pieces. He doesn't. He does tell me his friend lives a couple blocks away if I want to come over. I decline. I know what happens to girls who go over to stranger's houses. They die, they always die...Man I watch way to much CSI. The cop shows up and I am riding around in the back of a cop car looking for the deer when my dad and uncle show up in a very large truck with the license tag DRSLYR...(deer slayer.) They get out of the truck. My uncle is in those pants made out of plastic that come up to your arm pits and are held up by suspenders. He is holding a mag light and promptly frolics into the ditch like a leprechaun on no-doz trying to find my "catch." My dad wants me to let him in the cop car with me. I can't there are no handles on the inside. I am pretty sure the cop is completely taken off guard by the people who came to get me. My dad starts chatting him up about guns and the "proper way to shoot a deer" (One of my dad's classic stories is when he hit a deer and the officer tried to shoot it, but shot it right between the eyes. Instead of killing it he just pissed it off and the deer attacked him....different story for another time.) I am sitting there with my head out the back window listening to this banter when really I wanted to go home. Suddenly my uncle starts yelling...he'd found my "catch." I got it right in the butt so it was useless to him. I finally got to get in my car and drive home after what turned out to be a very eventful drive to the middle of nowhere.

Exploding TV Remotes

My name is Domino Harvey and I am a bounty hunter.

My roommate Erin and I are notorious for going to absolutely horrible movies together. On at least 3 or 4 occasions we have found ourselves in a movie theater laughing hysterically because whatever is on the screen is simply ridiculous. Last night's extravaganza "Domino" proved to have many pee your pants moments (that weren't meant to be funny.)

Exhibit A: It took me 15 minutes to get used to the idea that Kiera Knightley was a bounty hunter. There is no way I could hunt for bounty in pants that left about an inch and a half of my butt crack hanging out, she did it though, well done Kiera.

Exhibit B: Anytime they were driving anywhere, doing pretty much anything that wasn't talking a song came on that was basically mumbley rap until they got to the chorus which was simply "Motherf-er" yelled really really loudly.

Exhibit C: The incredibly awkward lap dances, strippers, and sex scene in the desert after they had been drugged and survived a really bad Winnebago accident. Yeah that's right Winnebago accident.

Exhibit D: Brian Austin Green and Ian Ziering were a part of the cast. Still can't figure this one out.

After all of that it was still entertaining. Although I told some people I would practice my karate kicks in the aisle, some guy sat next to me at the last minute and ruined my whole plan to make Domino interactive. I think Erin bribed him to sit there so I couldn't get out. A plague on your house. Crap, no plague, strike the plague, that's my house too. Strike it, we've worked with Corky before.

The higher notes:

It did give me the inclination to walk in slow motion with bullets strapped around my torso.

You will never hear me say "My name is Tiffany Matalone and I am a bounty hunter." At least not for real. I have been turned off by that profession.

It was free.

Voices in my head

Random thoughts of the day....

- Why do I think some people look British? I never think hey, that guy looks Polish...

- Why do people train their children to say things like He/she beeped, bonked, fluffed, and my all time favorite bunnied when someone farts?
-Why did my dad fart in our tent and then shut me and my cousins in
it? Man, fudgesicles lost there appeal that night.


- Why would you pay money for Accidental Death insurance if you have life insurance? You're dead who cares if it was an accident.

- Why does work feel like camp today? could it be the peeper that keeps looking over the top of my cube and making farting noises?

- Beverly Hills. Why would anyone want to being there?

-I think I am channeling my alter ego 60's Tiffany. This is the last time I am going to do my hair like this. Scary.

-Why do the lines in the parking lot have to be yellow?

-The bathroom here smells like my pre-school. weird.

-Why do I always assume when something goes missing it has been stolen? When will I understand no one wants to take one of my socks out of the laundry and bring it home with them?

-I really think I would be good at karate, kung fu some form of asian fighting. hi-yah. I want to be a spy. A karate-ing spy.

-I hate drug tiers.

Proof that I do have an inner monologue

C'mon get happy!

Thank you Shalinn for tipping me off to this website. Sorry to the eternal optimists out there, this is going to be a debby downer blog today.



It could be that the purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others.



When the winds of change blow hard enough, the most trivial of things can turn into deadly projectiles.

Despair.com. Go. See. Laugh so hard a little pee comes out.

How do you spell awkward?

D-A-D-S-F-R-I-E-N-D-S.

My dad called Saturday to invite me to a dinner he was making. I, not being a fool, said yes. (My dad is an amazing cook, this specific dinner was gourmet Italian, it was friggin awesome.) He invited all of the friends over that helped with my parents house a year and a half ago. (Maybe not the best about being timely with thank you dinners.) I especially appreciated the guy I know he invited over because he wants us to date. I know this because anytime I come home he mentions this guy, and how he should build me a website. In my dad's language that means, "you better up and marry this one little lady.You ain't gettin' any younger." Well subtract the hickness of that sentence, keep the basic principle.I stayed upstairs most of the night as to avoid the strange man that was acting like an eight year old, and randomly told me his aunt lives in Hoboken.(No idea if that is spelled right.) Apparently it is really cool if anyone wants to visit I know a guy. Dinner continued the perpetual freak show that is my life when my dad's best friend wouldn't stop telling me and everyone else there how good I looked. (For those of you who don't know me well I get really awkward and usually will turn a not so flattering shade of purple when people talk about how "good I look.") Everyone starts staring and saying very monotone "oh yeah, so pretty...blah blah blah" (It sounded very pre-recorded. Like it was playing from the stereo and they were all just moving their lips. Out of body experience for sure.)All of the sudden I am the new animal at the zoo that was forced into a cage and carted off to some new fake habitat so all the natives of the area can see the Japanese pigeon and ohh and awww at its odd colored feathers. I turn red, bury my head in the table cloth, and my eyes begin to well up with tears. I know it sounds crazy. I just don't deal with that kind of attention well. Obviously. I felt like a 13 year old all over again. Awkward, not knowing how to handle all the changes going on in my body, voice cracking. Okay so I guess just the first one. My dad kept winking at me, his friend kept hugging me (very uncle geoffry from Bridget Jones' Diary). At least I am loved, and apparently look good to men twice my age. What else is new...

After months of using the outdoors as my workout facility, I have graced the gym with my presence. After getting sufficiently pissed that 24 hour fitness is going to make me pay $80 to transfer to a smaller less equipped gym, as well as not allowing me to get the $25 a month fee, I went and EFX-ed off my rage. Pretty sure the guy "helping" me didn't know how to deal with a blunt woman. I told him what I was wanting (to start going to the new gym because it is closer to my house)and he kept showing me a $900 package. I understand he's a salesman, but when I tell you exactly what I want, not to mention I already paid an enrollment fee why would you continually harass me. I don't like to work out that much anyway. All I want is to be able to go to this gym not the other one! I will continue going to my old location. Which brings me to my next point, well not really, but here is my next point anyway. I hate inner thigh work out machines for two reasons.

A. In between reps you have to either lift your legs over the pad thingies or sit there with your knees 3 feet apart for 20 seconds. I choose to sit there and look as comfortable as possible in one of the most unflattering positions a person can do in a public.

B. My legs hurt real bad today. I feel like I was in a bull riding contest yesterday. The bull won. The reason I hate horses is the pain I am feeling today. Why do I do this to myself?

It's cool to pee your pants

My cooking has been redeemed!!! Last night I apprehensively made my way back into the kitchen. After last weeks shake n' bake incident, I had no plans of shakin or bakin anytime soon, but around 2:00 I really was wanting pumpkin bread. So I mustered up some courage and pulled out my kitchen aid. I have to say it was pretty dang good. It would have been better if I would have known 1 serving meant 2 loaves so I didn't double it, but at least I didn't get sick and have a cake and 2 loaves of bread I couldn't feed anyone.

Here it is the moment of the week, which happened only one week ago...

Now I am not really one to have celebrity crushes. I never had dreams that Kirk Cameron showed up at my 13th birthday party and started making out with me or anything. But o my word I love Orlando Bloom! (I have yet to have a dream that he shows up at my 13th birthday party either, maybe my 24th, but definitely not 13th.) Perhaps his intrigue is the fact that most of his roles involve sword fighting, and real bloody manly stuff. That sounds like I am British. Do over...real manly bloody stuff. Nothing quite like a man in chainmail. I don't really know what that means. Anyway, I have been on Elizabethtown countdown for awhile now, and you better believe I was there last Friday night. Shalinn and I had stopped at Chipotle to get some food and drink to bring along. After racing across the street to the movie theater I stopped to go to the bathroom, shocking I know. I was walking out of the bathroom when my very full cup slipped out of my hand popping the lid off. I tried to catch it with my crotch. Why I thought my crotch would catch it better than my other hand I have no idea, but I caught it alright. Half of my diet coke was in the crotch/upper thigh region of my pants. I was all by my self, laughing hysterically, and looking like a freaking mental institution escapee who somehow managed to prove science wrong by being a somewhat functional human being. ( Just imagine yourself at a movie theater. You round a corner and see a young woman by herself laughing at what appears to be nothing to the point of crying. She also seems to have lost all bladder control and wet herself. Now you have the visual of anyone who was lucky enough to be roaming around AMC 30 last Friday got to see.) Still enjoyed the movie, with the exception of the 20 minute eulogy. Cameron Crowe knows his music though Ryan Adams was in there a lot.