Ciao!

I realized tonight that an exceedingly large number of my friends are off visiting exotic locales in the name of education, pleasure, or Jesus for the summer. Noticing this I decided it was time for me to start preparing for my journey...to south Johnson County. I say who needs extraordinary museums, 1,000 year old buildings, and foreign cuisine when I've got AMC 30 and 10 billion Targets all within a mile of each other. Leaning tower of Pisa, crappy building design. Mona Lisa, small and boring. AMC 30, The only place where it is possible to see a bunch of eighth graders scream and change seating arrangements 39 times in 5 minutes all while talking on a cell phone. Now that is talent.

when stress has taken over, remember what's made you laugh

As it turns out times in my life when I have the most to write about, I don't write. Sometimes because I forget I have a blog, sometimes because what is going on I don't want broadcasted on the Internet...and then something changes.

1. Perhaps a chance encounter with a middle aged man in a Quick Trip. I was minding my own business, when he loudly noticed I had a VERY slight sunburn. He then asks me if I know how to make sun tea. I say yes, he says I should get a squirt bottle and douse myself in it. Apparently it helps, at least it did when he used to work outdoors. The likelihood of me squirting myself down with tea to treat a sunburn when aloe vera is in existince is about the same as me diving head-first into a pool of mayonnaise to treat a broken foot.

2.I found out that both my sisters boyfriends were scared of me. I laughed, primarily because I had never met them.

3. I made icing for a cake in a what was apparently a dog bowl, and then put sprite instead of water in beef and broccoli...if those two things don't explain where my stress level has been, I don't know what would.

4. Got told by an african that I looked like I was into aerobics. hmmm...I wonder if the swahili word for aerobics is shoes.

Things I've learned in the past week

Never offer your seat to a pregnant woman unless you know without a shadow of a doubt that she is pregnant. Seems obvious, some people are dumb.

I whine a lot

If my sister sees anyone who is on the amazing race in real life, even if it is her least favorite person, she has something resembling a coronary, and assumes they must be the winner.

Sometimes enjoying simple seemingly trivial things can be fun if I don't have a crappy attitude.

I really love traveling with my sister.

How to get a restraining order...

When propositioning the opposite sex it is best to not do it by drunkenly rubbing your butt against their leg and asking for their phone # by going through your missed call list asking if it is their missed call 20 minutes after you met. AND then 2 months later when they politely try to ignore you and the fact that the entire thing happened, let them. Do not move so that you sit directly across from them and stare for an hour. It's weird, and they're trying to figure out why in the 2 days they were forced to spend with you INDOORS they never saw you without your sunglasses on...ok maybe that is just me.

Ha Ha I was right for once...

Bowie is not gay! He is married to a hot model. Who says a straight man

can't wear make-up and tight pants, certainly not me.

this is my family? Ah Yes Show

As anyone who knows me or browses my blog often knows my family is exceptionally odd. This weekend I went home to celebrate Easter with my dad's side of the family, and my sister who went through a Borat phase when the movie first came out is back in the phase now that it was released on dvd. She kept grabbing my mom and saying "Very Nice. How much?" Although that was mild compared to instances she deemed appropriate to yell "Sexy time." Following me into the bathroom...not sexy time. Also funny was when she thought she was being attacked by my grandmas shit tzu and she screamed bloody murder. The reason she thought it was attacking her. It was running. For those not familiar with the shit tsu, it is a small fluffy dog that weighs about 15 pounds known for it voracious appetite and incredible ability to swallow full grown humans whole.

Billy Blanks or James Bond?

I have never really understood workout videos. Every time I try to do one I get bored and never do it again. Over the past couple days I think I have finally experienced what most experience with repeated viewings of windsor pilates or tai bo...mine, not surprisingly, could be called unconventional. It all started when I bought hand weights that wrap around your hand...then Erin started watching Casino Royale, which I am unapologetically obsessed with. AND THEN I started mimicking the fight scenes like an eight year old boy. An eight year old boy with women's hand weights. I have watched it once a day for the past three days. Of course after I realized I was more than distracting when someone is trying to actually watch the movie I decided it was probably more of a solo situation. Some might call it a sickness, I just call it better than a workout video. And just in case there is any confusion, James Bond could turn Billy Blanks (Tai Bo guy) into a cowering little girl.

Now that's a tantrum I can get behind...

Last night I had agreed to babysit some of the cutest girls in the world....before I knew when KU played. I will admit that I am not the hugest sports fan, but I have a soft spot for KU basketball. Anyway as you can imagine I was disappointed because I knew the last thing 3 little girls wanted to watch was a game...I knew that until I got out of the car and was instantly told
"TIP OFF IS AT 6:05, WE HAVE 1 HOUR TO PLAY!!!!"Not only did they know when tip off was they knew all the players, the littlest one kept calling Mario Chalmers by his full name minus the Rs. I almost peed my pants. Then the game was over and the middle one had fallen asleep, when the oldest woke her up and told her they lost she threw a fit of monumental proportions. There was screaming, tears, and many threats by her to call her mom. Because her mom was going to know how to fix this. She was especially mad when she realized her bracket was screwed. It was like hanging out with friends with the exception of the tantrum and the request the youngest gave me to ask her if she pooped regularly. Best babysitting award for sure.

Proof that I NEED Fashion...

I have been once again forced to evaluate myself. I have been on spring break for the past week, and while hanging out with my sister has been a lot of fun, most of my thought life has been spent wondering why I feel like I am being lazy. Could it be that once you are used to working long hours with little time off a week off seems like an eternity with nothing to do? Possibly, but I really thought I would enjoy having nothing to do a lot more than I have been. If anything it has made me depressed. Of course it could be the fact that the sun has been playing games with my heart, and I am someone who is very affected by weather. OR could it be that I have finally found what I love doing and the absence of it makes me incredibly sad. I would like to his it is the latter of the three. Any way you spin it the week that is supposed to be a bikini clad week spent carrying on has been nothing more than a week spent wandering to what felt like nowhere, still wearing the bikini though. It is spring break after all. I did finally find the sunglasses I have been looking for everywhere. Vintage ray bans. I know you all think I have lost it, but trust me they are coming back.
On a totally different note I am very grateful for all my friends that decided 24 was worthy of a kick in the pants and helped me wave it goodbye. I would give you my flikr link, but my computer has been doing some hard drugs and won't let me access yahoo because apparently yahoo is way worse than the rock it's been doing. Just more proof that drugs are bad.

Pulling muscles...

apparently it is my thing.

a couple of weeks ago I pulled a muscle in my arm while playing air hockey. Of course flinging my body halfway across the table to make a shot didn't help, I won though. (Below is the really cool outfit I was wearing when all the body flinging occured, I know HOT.) This monday I did a lot of working out and my hamstring decided to reject my workout. Whatever.

In other news I found out my dad was the hamburgalar in the St. Patricks day before I was born. He kicked Ronald McDonald. All I could think about when I heard this was why is this the first time I am hearing about this.

Shocker...

2 posts in one day may be a record for me, but I felt like it was necessary. I have loved almost every minute of living I have done at the place I live...that is until the more recent realization that you can in fact hear everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, going on in all adjacent apartments/basements. It started when the couple moved in upstairs and were hammering at all hours of the night. Then it got cold and they would warm up a bulldozer snow plow thing in the basement. BUT starting it one time isn't enough, they will start it at least 5 times and then rev the engine for 10 minutes AT 5 AM!!! Then came the upstairs neighbors again only this time it isn't G-rated hammering keeping us up, it is extremely loud sex. Erin can attest to the fact that it sounds like they are yelling at my windows. On the one hand I am glad that they are having good sex...on the other do I really need to know that they meow or listen to Genuwine? I would say NO, that would fall under the category of TMI!!!

In Anticipation...

On February 23rd one of the most anticipated movies of 2007 will be released...alright so at least one of the most anticipated movies in my book.

I don't think this is in the movie, but the first time I saw it I cried.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQlwKFleVxQ

Hot Stuff

When people browse through the music on my computer there are many pitstops, usually accompanied by the person giving me attitude and asking "seriously, why do you have this?" Last night was no different, except that it pushed me over the edge into writing a blog about my least known crush. Kenny Rogers. When I was a child I was obsessed with him. Probably in the same way most girls liked Joey McIntyre, or I don't know...Blossom.?. I had a poster book of him. When I say poster book I am not exaggerating. It was quite large. To me Kenny symbolized all about America that was great. Perfectly coifed hair, Men in satin shirts, and skin that glowed like kryptonite exploded into his pores. Kenny was what kept the idyllic days of my youth from creeping into a world where having crushes on men 5 times my age was "weird" and "inappropriate." The crush may have ended, but Islands in a Stream that is what we are will be forever inscribed on my heart.

Hello sap alert. I feel like I am going to yak.

Strategery

When you can't figure technology out and you have to call a service person here is quite possibly the best strategy the planet Earth has ever heard. EVER.

Tommy: Just tell them you live on the plaza and this shouldn't happen to you.
Erin: (laughter)
Me: Just tell them you live on a cloud and crap rainbows so your flipping remote should work.

WOOOHOOO it's almost 2007!!!

To be honest 2006 is a year that I am glad to say goodbye to. But that does not in any way allow me to leave the year without my obligitory #'s rampage....

Favorite albums:
Keane Under the Iron Sea
The Fray ...which now seems so overplayed I really don't like it that much anyore.
Elton Johns greatest hits...don't knock it til you've tried it.
Rilo Kiley...pick anything I am obsessed.
Panic at the Disco

# of jobs: 4...I may need to work on that. I seem to always have a lot of jobs.

# of dates: I have no clue. I lost track. Trust that I most certainly have stories that make you question the type of men I attract...

# of children that told me they were probably going to cry during a certain part of full house: 3

# of weddings: 5

# of times I wished I didn't love diet coke due to the allergic reactions that it now causes: about 1 billion

# of crushes: 1...isn't that sad

# of That's so Raven episodes I had to endure: probably around 30...should be considered as a form of punishment for criminals....Mr. Smith you are being charged with assault and battery. You get a choice between 2 years in prision or 100 viewings of that's so Raven.

# of times I have been signed up for eharmony...by someone else: 1

# of accidents/ tickets: 1 yet again...

Favorite things of 2006:

24, twentyfour, kiefer
McAlisters sweet tea
Felicity...I know I know I am about 5 years late on that one
flat shoes...praise the Lord
riding boots...for all that horse riding I plan on doing
living on the plaza...LOVE IT!!!
leapord print

Not for the squeamish...

Most days at work are fun and fairly uneventful. Yesterday was not. I don't know if it was just because it was unbearably cold outside or if someone unloaded a truck full of rude laced with bitterness right outside our door. Everyone that came in acted as if we were responsible for not only the weather but also EVERY BAD THING THAT HAD EVER HAPPENED TO THEM. I turned a corner to put some jeans away and was met by a stare that could freeze alcohol. I politely asked if there was anything I could help her with. I was interrupted with the following

" I want some black pants that don't show my pubic hair."

Nevermind the fact saying the words pubic hair in the first sentence after meeting someone is weird, since when has the Gap been known for their crotchless pants? She also thought it was appropriate to completely bash teenagers, Christmas, and inform me that when I am in my late 50's I would understand. Okay, but until then I am going to try and stay off of the bitter train.

Existentialism...or maybe not

I am not going to try and apologize for not posting, mainly because I am not sorry. Let's talk about life for a second. Not in an existentialist sort of way. Don't worry I would never do that to you. I am going to talk about it in a "Holy crap, I am so busy I am lucky if I get to eat" way. I currently have 3 part time jobs, well 4 kind of. Let me tell you I will never go back to an 8-5 cube job again, ever. Even if it means I have to live in a cardboard box and eat ramen. I love being able to go out in the middle of the afternoon, getting to use my mad cooking skills, and getting a great discount at the GAP. That being said the cube job did allow me to post a lot more, partly out of boredom, partly out the convenience of having a computer right there. So to those of you who still check here, sorry I am not sorry for not getting to post often. I do miss getting to strech the creative writing muscle, but I love my life right now, so it is worth it. Oh yeah and if you want a GAP friends and family coupon let me know. I think it is the 30th of November through the 1st of December.

Seriously?!

So remember that time I wrote a post about how I was going to start posting more, and then I didn't....that was awesome.

Nothing amazingly funny has really happened...that was until last night. It has become a tradition for a group of us to meet up at 75th street brewery on Wednesday nights, primarily for the 75 cent beer they start serving at 10. This has been a fun and fairly uneventful occasion, that is until last night. I don't know who had the brain child of setting gourds all over a bar, but someone did. It started with gourds being thrown at us and ended with us badgering a drunk cowboy and a man who had eyes that looked like they had been dipped in peroxide and stuck back in their sockets (they were bloodshot) for a cd they had taken. The middle went something like
"Hey, who wants to go see if they will put this cd (Katie's cd) on"-drunk cowboy
"I am not going to. I think it might piss off the guy singing and playing the guitar"-katie
"I am going"-drunk cowboy
"So do you have bad allergies?"-me
(loud laughter)
"Oh are my eyes red?"- man who said like more than a 13 year old at a Nick Lachey concert
"Really red they look like they hurt....I really wasn't trying to be rude." - me
"Hey Tiff when do you think you will start blogging again?" - Graham
"Tomorrow." - me
My favorite part was when bloodshot man told me he wasn't drunk. Oh yeah and when they tried to tell me that if a guy gives you his hat in Texas it means you are going home with him, no matter how many other girls he talks to that night. How flattering! You mean you give me your hat, go make out with 15 other girls, but I still get the undue privilege of going home with you? What kind of mental degenerate came up with that? I can't say for sure but I think alcohol may have been involved.

Dearest blog,

I am really sorry for letting you go. If you were human you would be 20 pounds heavier, in mismatched socks, and sporting a haircut that screams “when I was a child I ate kitty litter." Luckily, you aren't human, but you are in need of some new material. Honestly, I have kind of been a hermit for the past month. So unless endless diatribes about my cooking endeavors or my favorite sweatpants thrill you, you would have felt dull and lifeless. With the exception of my grandma talking about her "gay" male friend in a high pitched singing voice (I say "gay" in quotes because for whatever reason she thought she needed to put it in air quotes) I have had few funny stories to tell. I am slowly integrating myself back into the social scene, so the promise of new enchantingly funny posts loom in the not to distant future. Get excited.

Your not so faithful writer,

Madonna (I think I should use a pen name, and I think Madonna is appropriate)

Suppression

I was talking to my roommate a couple of days ago and something in my mind brought me back to a time in my life that I completely forgot about, or blocked out, I am not sure which at this point. Long ago when I was a mere freshman at K-State I was in need of some extra cash. Up to that point I had held quite a few jobs. Pie shop, Olive Garden, Worked for my dad, The Buckle, but none quite compared to the only job I have ever had that required me to don formal wear and give up my weekend nights to go to places like Great Bend. I was an auction girl for Turkey Banquet’s all over Kansas. (Turkey Banquet-a place where the anti-Tiffanys [hunters] go to see all the other anti-Tiffanys, get drunk, and bid outrageous amounts of money on ridiculous looking wildlife “art”…oh yeah and buy raffle tickets for items like a lawn chair that sits in a tree.) My basic duties were carrying all of the auction merchandise up and down a stage. And by merchandise I mean various framed prints of birds flying off into the sunset, really heavy sculptures of dogs with dead ducks in their mouths, and bottles of Wild Turkey. I also was responsible for selling raffle tickets to the sea of camouflage. At the height of my auction girl fame I was asked to use a turkey caller on stage. I gladly did it…because I got paid a ridiculous amount of money to do so. In the end I think many lessons were learned.
1.Stay away from really drunk men and I am sure women for that matter
2.No matter what anyone tells me camouflage is not in anyway sexy
3.a bronzed moose will never go anywhere near my home, and I would suggest keeping it away from yours
4. Walking in heels up stairs with a 25 pound elk sculpture will never be fun, no matter how much fake smiling you do.
5. I don't care a about hunting...shocker